A Fear Of Mine

Lately I've realized with greater clarity a fear that I experience, with varying intensity. It may not make a lot of sense, but I think I might have some reasoning for it. Anyway, here it is. I'm afraid of running out of energy.

This doesn't mean that I think I have some sort of internal battery that I'm scared will run out, but more that I'm worried I won't have enough energy to do the things I want to do. Of course, a lot of people have to deal with this actually happening on a daily basis. Those with illnesses, whether mental or physical, often lack the energy for what they want to do. I've been very healthy, so the only explanation for my fear probably comes from winter.

I live in a climate where it's winter, weather-wise, for about six months of the year. During this time I, and many of the people I know, lack a significant portion of the energy we enjoy during the warmer months. It's a combination of the cold, a lack of sunlight, and sickness that's constantly going around that keeps me in a low-energy state. I hate this. I really don't like the feeling that there's something that I can't control that's keeping me from the energy that helps me do my daily tasks. "So I cynically, cynically say, the world is that way/Surprise, surprise, surprise...," quoth The Sundays. There are some things that I guess I need to learn to live with, and learning to be patient with myself when I'm not at full energy is one of them.

I find myself responding to this fear in different ways. I try to sleep the full amount that's recommended for me. I eat healthy food with protein to keep me going. I try to not eat much sugar. I don't drink caffeine. This may seem counterintuitive, but I don't want to be reliant on something that would give me a migrane if I stopped using it, because then I wouldn't have energy then either, and my already low-energy times would be worse. Social gatherings take lots of energy for me to plan and attend if I'm not feeling 100%, so I tend to not plan them if I don't know I'll feel good. A lot of this is basic self-care, which is good. However, I end up worrying about it, sometimes to excess.

I hate feeling low-energy. I want to do what I can to keep my energy high. Striving to keep my energy high takes energy. I end up stressing more about it than I should, thus keeping me from doing what I can. I think I worry that I'm not reaching my full potential or something if I'm tired and unable to give my all. But maybe my all is just what I'm able to give at that moment. Maybe if I was more patient with myself when I lack energy, I could meet my "full potential" by not stressing and just living. I want to take care of myself. I think part of that is probably knowing how to respond when I do feel tired out, and knowing that it's okay to be that way. It's also good to not beat myself up about getting tired out because it's okay! I just need to learn to rest well. I'm hoping to be less afraid as I allow myself to be at whatever energy level I'm at. As I get to know myself, I can respond to how I'm feeling in a compassionate way.

This may not be relatable if you are at a different place with your body and health. If so, please just write this off as a young one's ramblings, and respond to your own body's needs with compassion!

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